After the Wedding, Merging Homes & Management
Coming together for the wedding and the ceremony is the most joyous time, followed by the trip of a lifetime honeymoon. After the thank you notes are written and the bags are unpacked, two lives truly merge into one with the home. As much planning that goes into the big day and the following trip, have you taken time to think about what comes next? The merging of your homes and the management that fills the day to day are the building blocks of the milestone anniversaries to come.
There may be some tough decisions with whose couch stays and whose goes. Or deciding what color to paint each room. But, have you discussed who does the dishes and manages the important papers and bills? Is there clarity around responsibility over laundry and meals? Whether you have been sharing an address for awhile now, or for the first time, agreeing on how your home is run is still vitally important. As with the wedding, the more planning beforehand, the smoother the outcome.
Working with clients I have been privy to many behind-the-scene conversations of marital frustrations over home management that come down to unspoken expectations from both sides. Putting it all out on the table, and discussing before hand, helps the home run smoother and for the day to day to be more enjoyable. You don’t want the unspoken expectations of home management to be the early buzz kill of the honeymoon phase.
As with your wedding, there is no one right way to do things. But, it does need to be mutually agreed upon. Think of your home as an organization with departments and discuss expectations and responsibilities with each area. An example:
Kitchen: Cleaning, Cooking, Grocery Shopping
Laundry: Wash, Dry, Fold, Iron, Put away
Office: Opening mail, Paying bills, Paper filing
Bathroom: Cleaning, Stocking supplies
Garage: Organizing, Maintaining the vehicles
Trust me, I know this isn’t fun. We all want to ride the honeymoon wave to the first anniversary. But, you know what really isn’t fun- feeling that rift of frustration when there isn’t food for dinner, or there is a pile of laundry that isn’t getting put away. An ounce of home management prevention equals years of marital harmony.
It doesn’t all have to be decided ahead of time. Many situations will evolve that didn’t exist during that first year. But, gaining clarity on what each person expects of themselves, the other person, and the overall management of the home will set a good solid foundation to build off of. Other areas to consider:
-What is each person’s strong suit?
-What tasks does each person enjoy or loathe?
-What is the work schedule/outside demands of each person?
-What tasks can be outsourced to a third party?
Love is a commitment and the follow through. Agreeing to support one another and then showing up. Each small home management agreement is another pebble in the pool of matrimony saying ‘I love you, I support you, I am here for you’. And there will be seasons when one person needs to carry all those pebbles to help the other. And that is ok, as long as there is knowing and understanding around who is carrying what. Because over time those little tiny pebbles of responsibility can add of up to a ginormous weight of pissed off if it isn’t out in the open.
Again, there is no right answer here. But silence is not a solution. Discover and establish a rhythm of communication around home management that works for the two of you and, trust me, that will be the sexiest thing to endure year after year in your marriage.
What conversations have you had around home management with your partner? Any creative solutions or stumbling blocks? Share your journey with me at Sara@YourAlignedHome.com
Originally Published in Saratoga Bride, Fall/Winter 2022
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